Jack Knight Songwriting Academy

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Heartless... any comments

Just wrote this and still am figuring out the kicker but I figured I come and share it and see if anyone got any kinda commets.. always love the comments,,
Stephanie

Heartless(c)Stephanie Ankner 2009, BMI

We didn’t make national news,
..but for me, the story was big.
Some may not be that interested,
...over the dumb thangs you did.

But I am and girl,
.....I’m affected by it .
Cuz my hearts personally involved
and you didn’t give a s***..

Pre CHROUS
You cared less bout my feelings, ......and did whats good for you
didn’t give a s*** bout who you hurt , but you really need ta learn too..

CHROUS
Your so heartless ,
Girl
...selfish and self centered
Your so heartless..
.… devious and ignorant
Your so heartless, ...
Girl
....immature as they come
Your so heartless,
.… you lack the passion to love
your so heartless, girl your so heartless
VERSE
I could see if I wasn’t good to you,
or didn’t give you what you need.
But I provided for you girl, ....
Damm, why did you ever cheat.
Verse
I made a home for us,
took away your worries.
Gave you eveyrthing you dreamed of
and loved you uncondtionally
Verse
I did nothin but good for ya,
you really played me out.
I don’t even know all what I’m feel’n
Cuz im still trying to figure it out.
CHROUS
Your so heartless ,
Girl
...selfish and self centered
Your so heartless..
.… devious and ignorant
Your so heartless, ...
Girl
....immature as they come
Your so heartless,
.… you lack the passion to love
your so heartless, girl your so heartless

KICKER
(any ideas for a kicker?)

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Thedy B on January 15, 2009 at 7:15am
Stephanie, just giving feedback - I think this was written with a lot of passion -and passion is great. But I think you should paint the picture better with the hook rather than just saying things like you lack the passion to love, and you're devious, ignorant, etc. I mean if you can find a mainstream song that's similar to yours that uses such harsh language, then you're good. But I think it's very rare. I think a better approach for the hook would be to say how the singer feels about the woman being heartless rather than throwing slur after slur. Also you haven't gotten your listener (and for us your reader) in the same mindset as the singer. I don't know what was done to make the singer say such harsh things about the singee. Remember in Jack's book, he said the first couple of lines of the song should tell who, what, when, and why. When you do that, then the listener will FEEL the singee is heartless, devious, whatever without the singer having to say it in the hook. But at least if you set the hook up right with the verse and perhaps a pre-hook, then perhaps you can say you're heartless, you're all these other things.

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